Socks

I went to my parents’ house on the west coast for the holidays (no wireless internet, no cell phone service), which is why it’s been a while since I posted. I hate to admit this, but I’m actually somewhat anti-Christmas, for a number of reasons. First of all, my real birthday (which I arbitrarily changed a few years ago) falls within a few days of Christmas, and I’m sick of hearing the stupid “merry birthday and happy Christmas” joke as people hand me EXACTLY ONE PRESENT for both occasions. This for a girl who revels in presents and who carefully shops for birthday and Christmas gifts throughout the year. Second, people are forever giving me heavily scented body lotion or shower gel, to which I’m hideously allergic. Third, I move all the time and have developed a dread of heavy or bulky objects. Once you move a heavy item thirteen times in thirteen years, you start to loathe that item. Finally, every year I get more and more turned off by listening to two months of commercials yelling at me to “BUY! BUY! BUY!” Ugh.

This year I did a little research and discovered that homeless people are perpetually in need of socks and toiletries. So I told my whole family that I wanted nothing but socks stuffed with travel-sized toiletries for Christmas. My mother, because she is superwoman, called up her and my dad’s closest friends and invited them to a sock-party. About fifteen people showed up, all bearing packages of socks and bags of toiletries. By the end of the night, we had stuffed over a hundred pairs of socks with toiletries for the homeless. The next day we took three huge boxes of them to a homeless shelter and it was probably the best I’ve felt all year.

I was reluctant to publish this information for fear that people who don’t know me would think I was a do-gooder. Or worse yet, an all-around good person. I’m not. I can’t be monogamous, I step on people’s heels on the subway if they take my seat, and I would probably sleep with you for a ticket to the Caribbean, depending on how ugly you are. But I figured I would put this information out there for all those people who dread the gifts they acquire at Christmas or their birthday. Next year, I highly recommend asking for socks and toiletries. You’ll be glad you did.

By the way, Chanel No. 5? Not allergic. Diamonds? Also not allergic. Cashmere... ditto.