The Swedes strike again

I plan to use cloth diapers on my baby, and even though I don’t typically broadcast this fact, I’m shocked at the amount of criticism I’ve gotten over it. I’ve heard everything from, “Cloth diapers are actually really bad for the environment” (um, have you done the research?) to, “New Duck thinks she’s going to cloth diaper.” (This from one smug already-mom to another smug already-mom, both of whom were eating lunch with me at the time. And by the way, I’ve been to the speaker’s house and it’s filthy and she has no hand-washing facilities in her bathroom.)

Given the amount of criticism I’ve already received over this issue, and given that I value other people’s opinions so dearly, I’m going to have to say that if you have any negative thoughts about my cloth diapering my baby, you can… let’s see, how do I put this politely? Shove it up your ass. Maybe it will give you a flaming diaper rash.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, back to the Swedes.

Even though I’m using a diaper service that conveniently whisks my dirty diapers away and delivers fresh new ones every week, I need some special wool conditioner for some diaper covers I bought. But because the last throes of pregnancy have left me sick, weak and exhausted, I chose to buy my wool conditioner on the internet instead of getting it at the grocery store like everyone else. Brilliant move. I ended up with a product made in Sweden whose instructions read:

Pour 30-45 ml into 2 litres of 37 degree Celsius water. Allow water to cool to 30 degrees. Add wool cover, soak overnight. Rinse with 20 degree Celsius water, add 15 ml vinegar, rinse thoroughly.

After nearly an hour on the internet trying to figure out what a milliliter is, how to convert my existing measuring cups to liters, and what 37 degrees Celsius might feel like, I gave up and went to the grocery store. I found what I needed (along with grasshopper cookies, a huge jar of green olives, mango in a can, breakfast sausage, Junior Mints, six avocados, goldfish crackers, and a big bag of marshmallows) and, shockingly, the instructions were written in English. They said something along the lines of, “Put this stuff in water with your diaper cover. Then hang the cover up to dry.” [Insert “God Bless the USA” theme music here.]

My problems are solved, but I don’t plan on making a trip to the post office just to return a $4 bottle of wool conditioner to Sweden. So I visited the company’s website with the hopes of getting at least some use out of the product. I found some slightly simplified instructions, along with a few highly entertaining tidbits. Did you know that, in Sweden, disposable diapers fill 23,000 rubbish lorries each year? (What is a rubbish lorry? I still don’t know. I googled it but got distracted by a story about an Australian guy who fell into one after a night out.) Also, children who use cloth diapers potty train early “because the child can feel when they do a wee.” Does this strike anyone else as hilarious? Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones messing with my brain again.

But their “myths and truths” section was the best. My favorites were “MYTH: Cloth diapers are fiddly” and “MYTH: Only bohemians and skinflints use cloth diapers.”

Bohemians and skinflints? I love the Swedes.