Every now and then I get the urge to write something immodest on my blog. Something about hemorrhoids or foot fungus or morning breath. (Not that I have any of those things, mind you. Roses usually come out my butt first thing in the morning.) But I often hold back because I worry that there are people reading my blog who I’ve either dated or would like to date at some point in the future, and why ruin the romance over a little foot fungus? On the other hand, complaining about my various ills gives me great pleasure, and I kind of want to lay it on the table about breastfeeding. Just as a warning, the following post could be construed as graphic and gross. Please don’t read it if a) you’re a guy, b) you have a weak stomach, c) you like to leave nasty comments on my blog under the moniker “anonymous,” d) you ever dated me, e) you ever wanted to date me, f) you ever got the feeling I wanted to date you, or g) you have an image of me in your head as a glamorous sexpot.
Enough said. At the risk of ruining my sex life and offending the ladies at La Leche League, here are the reasons I hate breastfeeding:
1. Picky baby. At nearly four weeks old my baby has never nursed from my right breast, not once. Apparently my left breast contains the sweet euphoria of heaven while my right breast is the lactation equivalent of a toxic waste dump. I am in danger of being lopsided for life. Maybe pregnancy really does ruin your body.
2. Fussy baby. Any time I offer my baby my breast (yes, even the cherished left breast), she screams, grimaces, punches my breast with her fists, arches her back like an Olympic gymnast and does anything she can to get away from the offending nipple. (“Offending Nipple.” I like that. Maybe I’ll start calling my blog The Offending Nipple.) After about fifteen minutes of frustration, on a good day and if I’m extremely lucky, I can sometimes coax her to take the breast. At which point she clamps her little jaws down in a vise grip and proceeds to chew her way to a full stomach.
3. The pain. Oh Holy Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of Mercy, the pain. The first time I attempted to nurse her it hurt so bad I screamed and nearly ripped her poor head away from my breast. Over the next several days I simply tried to ignore the pain while tears rolled down my face every time I nursed her. I talked to four lactation specialists in the hospital, but none of them had a damn clue. I’ve continued to seek out lactation specialists, the latest of which was a two-hour drive from my house and not covered by my insurance. She did, however, have some good advice – a little silicone hat that fits over my nipple and keeps baby from clamping down too hard. Unfortunately, baby has taken a dislike to the hat and has mustered both the indignation and the hand coordination to simply rip it off every time she sees it.
4. The pump. After about a week of agony, I started feeding her from a bottle of milk I obtained via a medieval torture device known as a breast pump. This seemed like an ideal solution until I realized that a) the pump also hurts like a mofo, b) she needs to be fed every two hours, c) it takes 30 minutes to feed her, and d) it takes 30 minutes to pump my breasts. If that math isn’t dismal enough, here’s some more: a) it takes five minutes to transfer the milk from pump to bottle, b) it takes 10 minutes to disassemble the bottle, nipple and nipple ring then thoroughly wash and dry the bottle, c) it takes 15 minutes to disassemble the pump and thoroughly wash and dry it. This leaves me a total of TEN FREAKING SECONDS per day to obtain a law degree. Which doesn’t work. I am totally failing Evidence.
5. The noise. Once you start pumping you really can’t stop without making an unholy mess. Once you turn the boob on, there’s no turning it off until it takes its sweet time to empty itself. But when my duckling wants to be fed, she wants to be fed RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. She can’t understand why milk-lady is sitting across the room frantically working a breast pump when she wants her 2:00 a.m. snack THIS MINUTE, and she’s not afraid to express her feelings in a shockingly loud manner. After slashing my tires and egging my windows, the neighbors have simply started moving away.
6. The mess. My cup overfloweth. I have a milk supply that puts the entire Wisconsin dairy industry to shame, and it flows like the Nile. Unfortunately it doesn’t just flow like the Nile when I’m nursing or pumping, but also when I’m studying, driving, taking a shower, ordering coffee, sitting in Evidence, eating, sleeping, or breathing. I bought some industrial-strength absorbent breast pads to stick in my bra, but I typically soak through them in fifteen minutes. All of my shirts are ruined, I smell like a tub of butter someone left out in the sun, and I am beginning to hate breastfeeding.
I wish I just had hemorrhoids, foot fungus and morning breath.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
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22 comments:
Oh my god, I both felt very bad for you and CRACKED UP while reading that post. I hope the duckling soon decides to latch on to the actual breast (preferably both of them) or the pumping goes better or you are okay with formula - whatever brings you the most peace and a few extra seconds to learn at least three rules of Evidence. Maybe three short ones.
Several Thoughts:
1. My kid always prefers my left boob, resulting in my being so lopsided I look like a troll without a bra on.
2. The first 6 weeks of breastfeeding for me was like putting my nipples in a food processor. Those hobags at La Leche (who can suck on my significantly smaller right titty) and my hobag RN are all "Oh, you're a douchebag. You're doing it wrong." Well, in retrospect, I wasn't doing it wrong. It just took about 2 months to desensitize. And I'm convinced that those La Leche people are on drugs. LOTS of drugs.
3. I remember trying to pretend as though there was no pain while my kid sent me into one after the next circule of hell. I didn't want to traumatize him and make him not want to nurse by my loud profanity, so I tried to suck it up. This was usually followed by much quiet profanity that I uttered while smiling lovingly at him in an effort to fool him into nursing. I also resorted to pump-and-feed from bottle.
4. Buy a new pump! Madela doesn't hurt. But it costs a small fortune. WORTH IT.
5. My kid is still nursing and it's now painless for both of us, though I still look like a troll with no bra on. There is hope!
Just know that you're not alone -- I can completely empathize with everything you're going through, my son was exactly the same way!! And the pump, AKA Medieval Torture Instrument, would make me cry just by looking at it. So I can't really say anything to make you feel better, except that STOPPING breastfeeding/pumping also hurts like a mofo, so the grass isn't any greener over here.
Oh, and I had a shitty evidence experience (and grade) even when I had no child and wasn't breastfeeding -- that's just evidence, which you'll really learn once you start practicing.
Good Gawd! I never breast fed. The Amazon was born back when you could bottle feed with out changing your name and entering the witness protection program. My nipples, however, quiver with empathy.
I am bookmarking this page for the time when my daughter, horrified that she wasn't breastfed, tries to make me feel guilty about it. Let her nipples quiver in sympathy!
('Cos frankly, I don't feel a damned bit of guilt now!) :)
The Lansinosh disposable nursing pads are really good. You might still soak through them of course, but hopefully not after just 15 minutes!
I am so sorry. I wish I had some advice for you but I didn't breastfeed so I got nothun.
Laughing
Flashbacks
Shudder
Despite that it sounds horrible, you made this sound pretty hysterical. And the fact that you are IN LAW SCHOOL while doing all this makes me want to email all of my outlines even though I doubt we went to the same law school.
It's stupid advice, okay? But here goes:
Have you tried eliminating things like onions and broccoli from your diet? Anything that can make your milk taste a little funny?
And also? For the two am feedings? Use pre-pumped breastmilk. Seriously. Pump after she goes to sleep and then just grab that bottle in the middle of the night. Y'all will be happier all around.
Have you considered renting a hospital grade pump? Faster/stronger. Also, cold cabbage leaves can be really soothing on sore, leaky breasts. Hope you feel better soon. I've also heard that babies who are acting that way (arching back, fussing at the breast) may be reacting to something you are eating. Good luck!
aww too bad your having such a hard time, Angela, she latched perfectly but it sitll took me about 6 weeks to not have pain and to get thigns worked out, I am all for the pump, it gets better! If not don't feel like a bad mom if you do forumla! I found Angela slept better with Formula then my milk, and do what ever is best for the two of you! Don't listen to anyone else!
Welcome to the Sisterhood of the Bleeding Nipples. I do like the possible new name of your blog!
Wynnie and I failed miserably at breastfeeding. She weaned herself at 6 weeks. She even refused pumped milk and would ONLY consume lacto-free formula.
Mack and I took a solid 4 months, and numerous lactation consultants (at $75/hour) to come together as a team. I'd turn my head and cry and cry and grit my teeth through the pain. The lactation consultants who told me I was doing it wrong "if it hurts" can bite my ass.
A company called One Step Ahead (you can find it online) sells these silicone boob covers (LilyPadz) that are supposed to not allow you to leak at all because they seal it all up. I was at home, so I was able to change my soaking wet cotton pads on a regular basis. I had a girl friend who used hand towels at night and soaked through them, too!
Unfortunately, babies don't always follow the rules. Darnit all to heck!
I never had any luck with the cabbage leaves. They weren't cold enough AND they made my boob smell funky, so that just made baby even more disgusted with the whole process. Lanolin and LOTS of it, that's the best I could do.
Hang in there... another few weeks and it could really be great.
Mack and I are at 20 months of breastfeeding. I thought we wouldn't make it past day 5.
If you decide on formula, don't listen to nay-sayers. You'll have your sanity!!! And maybe even a passing grade in evidence.
Oh, poor you. I definitely feel your pain. My little one was a preemie, and got used to the bottle in the NICU, so my weeks of trying to breastfeed were futile. I used the Medela pump and though it was torture for the first month or so, I got used to it and worked out quite a little routine. I pumped while I fed baby a bottle of expressed milk. I used the Easy Expression handsfree bustier, and got quite adept at propping baby up on a Boppy, feeding and burping her on my lap. Also - the Lilypadz 'hyphen mama' mentioned were awesome. Of course, my cups never overfloweth, so I'm not sure how they work for everyone. Also - I used the Playtex OneStep system where you can pump directly into the bottle and then throw away the liners when you're done for less cleaning/tranferring.
I feel your pain exactly. I'm still going, even though my milk supply is now shot and we use mostly formula. At least, at four months old, she finally caught on to boob = food and will nurse, leaving the torture device largely unused these days. Too little too late though. I'm giving it another two months and shutting down the last of the dairy factory.
Keep trying if it's what you want. It's certainly cheaper than formula! But if it makes you miserable, and makes your duckling miserable, it's not worth it.
I am so sorry this is sucking. My son (now 1 and a champion eater) did that back-arching thing while eating- gas- when he was little too. I was totally freaked about it, was convinced by MIL he had a milk allergy (he did not) so i gave up dairy, sought out weird british remedies like gripe water. The only thing that helped at all were Mylicon drops- sometimes. But you know what? It got better- all better. I think it took about 6-8 weeks. Like many newborn babies, he was just kind of cranky and his digestive system wasn't completely ready. Maybe the duckling is going through this too. The whole 4th Trimester stuff.
Hot washclothes and definitely that lansolin stuff can help with the pain. Latching is a mystery to me- I hope you find a LC who can actually help you.
Your baby may be too smart for this (taking off a nipple shield at 2 weeks? v. impressive) but sometimes you can use the football hold to trick them into thinking they have the other breast.
You're doing an amazing thing right now, regardless of whether you decide to do BF/pump/formula. All are good choices- you're feeding your baby.
It will get easier.
Oh sweet Jesus. Add this to the list of things that will help me delay conception and child bearing/rearing for a few more years...
**sympathy**
**but also laughter**
Several more thoughts:
1. I ripped the anonymous poster on my blog a new one with a whole post dedicated to his/her douchedom.
2. I too feel we'd make good drinking buddies. I think we're on the same bizarro wavelength which scares the hell out of me. And I too am not sure if that means we'd be friends or enemies. Alas, I don't live anywhere near Wisconsin nor have I ever even been there.
3. We both have fabulous construction-worker-whistle-inducing tatas. Damn we're sexy biotches. With foot fungus?!
My babies both preferred my right breast. It turned out my left breast didn't produce very much milk. Still doesn't.
Breast feeding is really, really hard until three months - I remember feelng as if needles were being poked into my nipples - but it gets miraculously easier at three months. Not sure why that is. Easier and faster. No pain for me now (apart from when they bite). A lot of the women in my antenatal group had the same experience - pain, blood, agony for three months - and then it all became easy.
Very impressive cleavage. I had wonderboobs too, for a while. But be warned - they girls have started rejecting my left breast now and it has shrunk to about three cup sizes smaller than the right one, and they have both sort of emptied out at the top - so from being nice and round and full and circular and pleasing they have become ... deflated really. And a bit sad. And sunken. Not sure how that happened. Stayed perky for forty years, now descending. As is my bottom. And my stomach.
I had a madela. It was brilliant. Can you hire one if it's expensive to buy.
Can I get this straight. Are you actually studying full time with a month old baby?????????????????
I second the cold cabbage leaves. Used them for blocked ducts (amazingly, I'd forgotten ALL ABOUT that until i read the comment above. And it was only a few months ago. I remember now vaguely sitting on a sofa at three am with two babies attached to my nipples, searing red pain in my breasts and cold cabbage leaves in my bra.)
I was also going to suggest feeding pre-pumped milk at night and the hands free pumping bra (it looks ridiculous, but who cares.) So instead I'll just say, lots of luck.
Have any of your lactation consultants put you on a treatment plan for an oversupply issue? That sounds like me and my kid for the first couple weeks (which were hell). I still have all the info if you'd like it. It helped me so much in a matter of days.
Like another commenter, it took me a while to desensitize but later it was totally worth the trouble that it took in the beginning. She's 10 months and she's like a CHAMP now.
Let me know if you'd like the info.
Have you tried applying pressure to your breasts when you milk comes in? I simply fold my arms to be discreet and apply pressure when i feel let down.. voila no leaking.. worth a shot...
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