Partum post

First of all, I want to thank everyone who sent well wishes and congratulations on my baby's birth. I had no idea I had so many readers, and it was really gratifying to know how many people were looking out for me.

Even though it’s only been a week, it seems like a very long time since I wrote anything on this blog. I have distant memories of typing something incoherent while doped up on the most fantastic drugs available to man, and it occurs to me that this may not have been the best idea. Did I really promise to tell the world the story of my labor and delivery? I am so not the type to disclose that sort of thing, but because I promised, here’s a condensed version of how it went down.

Do you remember the “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” commercials? We all hated that chick, not because she was beautiful but because she was incredibly annoying. I’ll try not to be annoying about this, so don’t hate me, but friends and readers, I had the easiest labor and delivery ever.

First, my blood pressure stabilized and the induction was called off altogether. Then, on Monday night my labor started on its own, and started with a bang. The first contraction hit at exactly midnight (technically Tuesday morning), the next at 12:02, and the next at 12:04. After the first contraction, my water broke, Hollywood style, with enough force to nearly knock me off my feet. Remember that big melonbelly I was complaining about? Apparently it was 20 pounds water, 6 pounds baby. She must have had her own Olympic sized swimming pool in there.

Even though I was wracked by the contractions and standing in about a foot of mucky water, I yelled for my mom and somehow managed to get my hands on the phone to call the doctor. The doctor told us to get to the hospital pronto, and when we got there a nurse was waiting for us at the door. My mom and the nurse pretty much tossed me into a wheelchair and literally ran to the labor and delivery floor with me. To be honest, I loved every minute of the drama of the situation.

By the time we got to labor and delivery, there was no space at all between contractions and the doctor said it looked like I was having the baby FAST. I asked for an epidural, which was delivered by a man who might actually have been God, and was immediately transported to a very happy place. Luckily the epidural slowed the labor down a little, so I was able to enjoy being the center of attention for a while. The pain completely gone, I watched my contractions waving on the monitor, joked around with my mom and the hospital staff, and basically sat in bed feeling like a princess for a few hours. Around 8:00 a.m. the doctor casually announced that she thought it was time to push, and at exactly 8:30, with what felt like very little effort on my part, my little duckling was born.

I’m a little embarrassed to tell this tale, if only because you’re probably thinking, “Damn she must have a large coochie to get that baby out so easily.” But I promised, so there you go.