Pay at the pump

Although I love getting comments from readers and probably wouldn’t be writing this blog without them, I somehow feel that if I respond to one comment I have to respond to all of them. Unfortunately, between law school and a newborn I never seem to find the time, but I was so impressed with the comments on my last post that I simply have to say something, so here goes.

LL said “...whatever brings you the most peace and a few extra seconds to learn at least three rules of Evidence. Maybe three short ones.” Um, Evidence has rules? And there are more than three? I think I’m in trouble. Along those same lines, andrea_frets mentioned sending me her Evidence outlines. Andrea, the problem with outlines is that you actually have to read and/or study them. I tried stuffing them down my pants, rubbing them all over my body, and even eating them, but this did little to improve my grades in Civ Pro and Property, and I’m afraid Evidence is heading in the same direction.

Law Student Hot Mama, PT-LawMom, and Katty all suggested that I invest in a decent pump. My friends, if you only knew what I’ve been through with the pump. Law Student Hot Mama says, “Buy a new pump! Madela doesn't hurt. But it costs a small fortune. WORTH IT.”

I love how breastfeeding is supposed to save you money. I currently have five pumps in my house, four of which are Medela. I started out with a cheap, no-name $30 electric pump. I was rewarded for my frugality with a hideous and tragic accident whereby the pump self-destructed and I nearly lost a nipple. Next, my mom bought me a $40 Medela hand pump. Although I love it, it’s no match for my enthusiastic boob and takes nearly an hour and a half to do its job. Then I tried to rent a hospital-grade pump at $3 per day, only to be told by every pump-renter in town that there were none available. I spent a few days on the wait-list but finally lost patience and bought a double electric Medela pump for $150 on Craigslist (for those of you who don’t know, when you buy a used pump you just buy the electric part, so no, I’m not in danger of getting boob-cooties).

Of course, the very next day I got a phone call from a pump-renter saying a pump had come available. Somehow thinking the rental was better than my new pump, I drove 45 miles and put down a $75 deposit for the rental pump, which weighs about 50 pounds. Upon lugging it up my apartment stairs I discovered that it works no better than my $150 pump. However, I haven’t found the time or energy to return it, so it sits in my house racking up charges like Sallie Mae. Finally, last weekend I went to a baby consignment sale and found a Medela hand pump exactly like my $40 pump, still completely sealed in its box and never opened, for only $15. Unable to pass up a bargain and thinking that perhaps four breast pumps aren’t enough, I bought it. You never know, maybe I’ll spring three extra boobs and it’ll come in handy.

Now, back to the comments. Moo says, “Have you tried eliminating things like onions and broccoli from your diet? Anything that can make your milk taste a little funny?” Damn, if hemorrhoids, foot fungus and morning breath aren’t enough, now I have stink-boob? My diet is actually pretty bland, but that’s good advice and I’ll keep it in mind the next time I sprinkle feta on my kimchi and wash it down with a pastrami sandwich.

Speaking of eliminating things from my diet, remember that two-hour-drive, not-covered-by-my-insurance, fancy-pants lactation consultant with an MD I was talking about in my last post? Complete idiot. When I went to see her I was a disaster at breastfeeding but otherwise in excellent health. She decided, for absolutely no logical reason, that my baby must have an allergy to the dairy I was consuming and I had to cut it out of my diet entirely. Then she decided, also for no logical reason, that I must have an infection in my breast and prescribed an antibiotic that I was supposed to take for six weeks. The antibiotic turned my intestines into a war zone and, combined with the lack of dairy, meant that I was getting approximately zero calories per day. With my ravenous baby consuming nine hundred ounces of milk every day, it didn’t take long before I was too tired to even stand up, much less take care of my baby, certainly much less make it to law school. Or blog. Which is the really important thing.

This post is getting way too long and my duckling is starting to wind up again, so let me try to wrap it up fast. Mahala, Shelley, and Cynical Nymph, your comments cracked me up when I really, really needed a laugh. So thanks.

Fluorescentmom, I’m getting some Mylicon tomorrow, and thanks for the advice. Maybe I’ll even take some of it myself after I eat that kimchi with feta and pastrami.

To the anonymous poster who suggested Lansinoh breast pads: you’re a genius. They’re amazing. But did you notice that when you open their little wrappers they tend to fly across the room? I seriously need to post a video of that on my blog.

Liam, Hyphen Mama, TxMommy, ProtoAttorney, Katty, Butterflyfish, Someone Being Me, and pbb, thank you for sharing your thoughts and making me feel like I’m not alone in this and that I’m not a freak of nature, a bad mom or, um, a dairy cow. Having read what so many of you said, I’m going to do my best to stick with this a couple more weeks to see if it improves, but I won’t feel like a failure if I can’t do it. Plus, Michelle informs me that stopping breastfeeding also hurts like a mofo, so why quit now?